Sometimes, it takes only one word or action from another person to set off these thoughts. Other times, these thoughts seemingly come from no where. I don’t know how they started or why they began. But, these thoughts often become louder than my own voice—let alone the voice of the Holy Spirit. And the difficult part is that I often believe them.
I was riding in the passenger seat of the car that belongs to my fiancé. We were on our way back from a weekend vacation with family and friends. Earlier that weekend, he noticed that the tires were misaligned (which has happened while the car has been under my care, go figure). He was only responsibly instructing me on how to deal with the issue when we got back. I’m not sure if it was the tone of his voice or the manner of delivery that triggered insecurities, but I suddenly began to hear accusations that were taunting me with tears.
United Pursuit was playing—and I tried to sing along to block out the thoughts—but the voices were so much louder.
Here’s some background to understand what these thoughts were targeting:
My fiancé and I got engaged about eight months ago. Before that, we dated for two years and some months (he knows the numbers better than I do). We had very, very different ambitions for our futures. I wanted to be where the people are (like my girl, Ariel). I wanted to teach English in another country, while only being attached to two living relationships—one with a dog and the other with God. My fiancé had drastically changed his major from engineering to pastoral counseling. He wanted to set his gifts before the Father’s feet to help build up his local church in his small town. Two very different end goals, but we ended up choosing the relationship God established. And here we are.
But boy, does the enemy love to tear this soon to be holy covenant to shreds. And to tear me a part in the process, while posing to know what is best for me.
As I sat in the passenger seat, desperately trying to let worship music fill me up instead, these thoughts were so much louder:
“You are going to regret getting married.”
“You’re giving up everything you wanted to do.”
“You’re just going to annoy him, like you do everybody else.”
“You’ve made the wrong choice, and you’ve wasted so much time.”
“You’re too young to get married. How will you be able to finance anything?”
“You’re so stupid. You could have done something way better.”
Dramatic and dark, right? Classic attributes to the enemy’s lies. These lies weren’t new to me, either. They were scraping old scars.
If you’ve made it thus far through my vulnerable recount, then let me offer you this encouragement.
When the lies are louder, the first step is calling them out for what they are. Lies.
The truth is, I knew that God had established and rooted our engagement with His love. The other truth is that I knew my God was not accusatory, nor would He ever put me down. My God would not use the word “regret” or “waste.” My God is purposeful, intentional, and immeasurably loving.
When the lies are louder, ask God to fill you up with His truths.
“Does He who fashioned the ear not hear? Does He who formed the eye not see?” (Psalm 94:9)
“The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.” (Habakkuk 3:19)
words by Kayla Scott and photo by Olivia Douglas