I am extremely lucky. By chance, I landed in a family who has always been able to put food on the table, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. I’ve also been through my fair share of junk though, too.
I don’t like to worry people. I don’t like to keep bringing things up from the past. I don’t like people knowing when they’ve hurt me, because I don’t want it to eat them inside. I tend to ignore the deeper pains, and resort to complaining about someone cutting me off on the freeway or it being too hot outside.
This was nice until a couple of weeks ago when all of the hard stuff from my past came to the surface. The things that I never allowed myself, or was never allowed by other people to heal from completely broke the foundation I had been standing on.
All of the times people left me, all of the times people didn’t protect me like they were supposed to, all of the times they made me feel less than. They all feel like fresh wounds now. Avoiding them the first time around has made me feel all of it simultaneously. It has made me angry. It has made me resentful. It has made me sad. It has made trusting others hard, while also making being alone something very uncomfortable.
Despite the fact that this has been a really tough few weeks for me, God has been so unbelievably present. Through my desperate prayers of please, just heal me and keep fighting for me, God, I feel Him saying, “Have hope, my child,” and “Be angry with me. Scream at me. Bang on my chest. I’m not going anywhere.” He continues to fill my life with people who affirm me and validate my feelings.
I get frustrated because God makes no sense. I’m so used to being too much or too little for people, so they leave. My emotions are too much, and I provide too little. But He does not change. He does not leave no matter how many times I tell Him to just go. It would be so much easier to just go. But easy is not His game.
The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.
I’m still. I surrender. I can’t hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am broken, and I am still loved. I am broken, but I am not finished. I am broken, but I am redeemed.
God, Dad, I don’t understand you. But I am grateful that you are so much bigger, more powerful, more gentle, than I could ever comprehend. I pray that you continue to make your presence known in my life. I pray you heal all the little cracks in my soul. I pray that you do these things for those who are reading this and relating to pieces of it. We can’t do this alone. We cannot do this without you. We tap out. We surrender. We fall to our knees and you catch us before we hit the ground. Thank you, God. A million times thank you. For loving us. For being with us. For constantly fighting for us. Amen.
words by Ashley Jesus and photo by Cate Willis